Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

9 years 9 months ago #27112 by ben1985
ben1985 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Q What Not To Say On A Dive Boat


A a. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
b. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps
flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
d. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
e. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
f. "Is that your mask under my tank?"


Q Is your buddy experienced if: -


A a. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
b. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
d. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run
windows '98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
g. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then
I know
it's time to surface"?


Q Do You Know Your Buddy?


A Does your buddy hate you if: -
a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the
boat?
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper?
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his
snorkel?
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his
slate "I'll get you some" and swims off?
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger?
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off
yet?

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9 years 9 months ago #27113 by de Count
de Count replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches??? A nervous wreck. [:-}]

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9 years 9 months ago #27114 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."

The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?"

Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson."

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9 years 9 months ago #27115 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An old, blind cowboy[8D] wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.[^=^]

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.[?|?]

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.[B)]

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.[^x^]

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.[:eyebrow:]

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'[:nutter:]

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...[:banghead:]Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'[:rumour:][:rumour:][:rumour:][:rumour:][:rumour:]

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9 years 9 months ago #27116 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooh Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble". So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.

She turns around and the old man moves in and leans her against the fence. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching, thinks "That was truly amazing. I've got to ask him what his secret is". As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for forty minutes. What's your secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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9 years 9 months ago #27117 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Making a baby.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too! The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,uhh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs. Smith fainted

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9 years 9 months ago #27118 by ring23
ring23 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in, sees him, and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blond with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blond with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a sh!t about the 140 million Muslims.'

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9 years 9 months ago #27119 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
What Starts with F and ends with K




A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"




Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"




Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.




While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.




Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"




Harry: "9."




Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"




Harry: "36."




And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."




Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."




The principal and Harry both agreed.




Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"




Harry, after a moment: "Legs."




Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"




The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!




Harry replied: "Pockets."




Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"




Harry: "Pants."




Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"




Harry: "Coconut."




The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."




Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"




Harry: "Shake hands."




The principal was trembling.




Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"




Harry: "Firetruck."




The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

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9 years 9 months ago #27120 by Adder
Adder replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Pope was masturbating in his private rooms and was rapidly reaching a conclusion when he was rudely interrupted by a camera wielding tourist who immediately snapped the orgasming Pope.

After much negotiation the Pope managed to buy the camera from the tourist for $5000.

He put it on his desk.

A Cardinal entered and admired the camera.

"I just bought it from a tourist for $5000", says the Pope

"God, he must have seen you coming", replied the Cardinal.

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9 years 9 months ago #27121 by 26ounce
26ounce replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A midget with physic powers escaped from jail. The local newspaper covered the storey with the heading
'small medium at large'

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9 years 9 months ago #27122 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

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9 years 9 months ago #27123 by bigfella
bigfella replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A scotsman an irishman and an aussie were drinking in the pub

Jesus walks in and pulls up a chair not to far away

The irishman goes to the bar and orders 4 pints of guiness one for him and his two friends and one for jesus

Jesus acknowledges with a raise of his new drink

The scott gets up for his round, he orders 4 of the finest scottissh single malt whiskeys one for him and his friends and one for jesus

The aussie then reluctantly goes to buy the drinks, he buys 4 VB's one for him and his friends and one for jesus

Many drinks later shouts later the trio and jesus are plastered.

As they leave jesus approaches, he shakes the irishmans hand and thanks him for the fine guiness

The irishman is stunned he announces "my arthritis its all cleared up"

jesus then shakes the scotsmans hand and thanks him for the whiskey

The scotsman also announces my bad leg us all fuxed he can walk properly again

Jesus reaches out his hand to shake the aussies hand

The aussie pulls back sharply and states "I'm not touching that I'm on workers comp"

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9 years 9 months ago #27124 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
It's Not Raining...
and
It's Not Friday... but here goes anyway.. This is the Next Life by Woody Allen



In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.

You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila!

You finish off as an orgasm!



I rest my case!

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9 years 9 months ago #27125 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early?

What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your Stance is too wide."

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9 years 9 months ago #27126 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. :p :)

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'[^=^]

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' [?|?]

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' [^=^]

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' [^x^]

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9 years 9 months ago #27127 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina" ?.

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina"?. She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

Do you have vagina".......
"Yes" she says......

The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?"

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9 years 9 months ago #27128 by Barracuda
Barracuda replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Sorry not quite friday but just saw this and got a good laugh



Takes about a minute to get going

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9 years 9 months ago #27129 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

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9 years 9 months ago #27130 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Ok it's Friday and it's really pissing down here, so I thought I'll post another ! [:-}]


CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon........ You got nice house.

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9 years 8 months ago #27131 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold would go to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wandered into the garden. They began to chat, and before they knew it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'SEX!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing Bas***d!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?'


Old Harold smiled happily and replied
'Parkinson's..'

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9 years 8 months ago #27132 by charlie1112
charlie1112 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.



Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93.



The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.



They put his left leg in... And then the trouble started.

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9 years 8 months ago #27135 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
THE PASTOR'S ASSThe pastor entered his donkey (ass) in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.



This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.



The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the lines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.



The bishop was buried the next day!!!!

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9 years 8 months ago #27136 by The Phantom Wreck Rat
The Phantom Wreck Rat replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it;
It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, ya see, I have two brothers. One is in
America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in
the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. 'Tis me......I've quit the drinking!'

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9 years 8 months ago #27137 by The Phantom Wreck Rat
The Phantom Wreck Rat replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
This one's not a joke. Just announced on channel 10 news.

"The Government will be installing porno movies to be played at every petrol pump in Australia so you can watch someone else getting F***ed as well!"

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9 years 8 months ago #27138 by Cenophores
Cenophores replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Now thats funny[^-=-^]

Whats not funny is those dudes who are making teir own engines to use less fuel.
Move over Mad Max!

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9 years 8 months ago #27139 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day ' , try this:




On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

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9 years 8 months ago #27140 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
BRAVE MAN JOKES

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'


Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 10seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

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9 years 8 months ago #27141 by Beyondthesurface
Beyondthesurface replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'Okay, thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Western Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son... it's a local call".

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9 years 8 months ago #27142 by SA Dave
SA Dave replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Guys, nice jokes, keep up the good work.

One thing though, anything racist, or deemed to be overtly offensive will be deleted, no questions asked.

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9 years 8 months ago #27143 by ring23
ring23 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The racist is easy Dave, but how do you define offensive on this site??[:o)]

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