Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

1 month 1 week ago #303556 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I went on a blind date last night.

"So then, what do you do for a living?" I asked.

"Guess," she giggled.

"Are you a hypnotist?" I said.

"No," she laughed. "Why do you think that?"

"Because my friend told me you were good looking."

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1 month 1 week ago #303557 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP;
CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

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1 month 5 days ago - 1 month 5 days ago #303563 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A bloke goes to the doctor and says " I think I have hemorrhoids, can you help."

Doctor says, "Of course, take these suppositories and put them in your back passage and all will be okay."

Next day the guy goes back and says "Hey doctor I put those things on my back porch but for all the good they did I could have shoved them up my ar5e."
Last Edit: 1 month 5 days ago by Barjumpa.

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1 month 1 day ago #303569 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I've just bought a new Prince Charles commemorative teapot.
It never reigns, but it pours.

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4 weeks 1 day ago #303572 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Not sure if I've posted this one..

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a Fu@king' liar.. '

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4 days 10 hours ago #303584 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I read in a woman's magazine that the perfect husband is "wealthy, intelligent and has an off-button".

I hate these distorted standards for men, how's a regular bloke like me meant to compete with Stephen Hawking?

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