Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

3 months 4 days ago #303556 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I went on a blind date last night.

"So then, what do you do for a living?" I asked.

"Guess," she giggled.

"Are you a hypnotist?" I said.

"No," she laughed. "Why do you think that?"

"Because my friend told me you were good looking."

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3 months 4 days ago #303557 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP;
CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

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2 months 3 weeks ago - 2 months 3 weeks ago #303563 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A bloke goes to the doctor and says " I think I have hemorrhoids, can you help."

Doctor says, "Of course, take these suppositories and put them in your back passage and all will be okay."

Next day the guy goes back and says "Hey doctor I put those things on my back porch but for all the good they did I could have shoved them up my ar5e."
Last Edit: 2 months 3 weeks ago by Barjumpa.

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2 months 3 weeks ago #303569 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I've just bought a new Prince Charles commemorative teapot.
It never reigns, but it pours.

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2 months 3 weeks ago #303572 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Not sure if I've posted this one..

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a Fu@king' liar.. '

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1 month 3 weeks ago #303584 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I read in a woman's magazine that the perfect husband is "wealthy, intelligent and has an off-button".

I hate these distorted standards for men, how's a regular bloke like me meant to compete with Stephen Hawking?

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303585 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My mate was having a tattoo of an indian on his back halfway through he said to the tattooist "don't forget his tomahawk"
The tattooist said "give me a chance mate I ain't finished his turban yet"

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303586 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Patient: "I have this recurring fantasy where I'm incredibly rich and powerful, beautiful women throw themselves at me, and I can do and say anything I want."
Psychiatrist: "You have an interesting imagination, Mr. Weinstein."

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303587 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
irish bloke goes for a job on a building site..foreman says 'can you brew tea' and can you drive a forklift?..

irish man says..'why how bigs the fu8king teapot?

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303588 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I wonder if gun manuals have a troubleshooting section...............?

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303589 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children,

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish.

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303593 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
"How did you lose your hands?", asked a bloke in the pub.
"I stole a fish in the Middle East", I replied, "it was so big that I couldn't run fast enough and they caught me."
"How big was it?" he said.
I held my arms out wide and said, "A bit bigger than that."

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303594 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A very drunk paddy meets a prostitute in a dark alley.
Paddy asks "how much for full sex?"
"20" she replies.
"ok" says paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a copper appears and shines a torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?"he asks.
"Nothing officer I'm just having sex with my wife"
"Sorry sir" apologizes the cop "I didn't know that was your wife"
Paddy shouts "neither did I til you shone your feckin torch in her face!"

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303595 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
People think I'm a right gullible old coot.
They won't be thinking that tomorrow when I go and pick up my $197 million dollar cheque that I've won on the Nigerian lottery.

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303596 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A couple of Jehovah's Witnesses tried to trick their way into my house but I told them to piss off.
Sneaky pricks, dressing up in police uniforms and telling me they've got a warrant!

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303597 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A baby's laughter can be the most beautiful sound you will ever hear.

Unless it''s 3am
And you're home alone
And you don't have a baby !!!

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303598 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while i go to the pub.

Well, she always said she wanted a night in, shining armour !

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303599 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The other day I ran in to an old ex-prostitute I used to have a few dealings with back in the Cops. I asked how things were for her these days, and she said she had moved towns to get away from her old life, and we had a little catch up, there in the street. She said to me, "You know, I always knew this would happen sooner or later, and it finally did."

She told me that last week she was at a shopping mall to pick up some groceries and she saw one of her old customers from when she was in the game. Thankfully she was by herself, but he saw her and smiled and came over to say hello. He was an older man, (as most of them were), and he asked her how she was going. She told him that she had left “the business” quite a while ago, and was no longer taking care of tricks. He touched her on the shoulder and told her that it was all right and that he still thought of her and the things they did together that made him feel so good.

She asked him what he was doing these days, and he told her that he was retired but spending time entertaining children at a local shelter. He told her that he wore a dog costume and barked like different breeds of dogs for the kids. She thought that was odd, but he did several barks for her. One was like a great dane, and one like a German shepherd and one like a labrador, and she told him he was really very good at it. Then, she asked him if he could bark like a schnauzer for her, and he said that he didn't know that bark.

She said she had a schnauzer once, and she told him that she would be more than happy to show him how they barked so he could use that bark in his show. Well, she said they left the store and went out to where he was parked, (so nobody would overhear), and she did the schnauzer’s bark for him several times but, no matter how many times she showed him how to bark like a schnauzer, he just couldn't do it. Then she tried to show him how to bark like a collie, but he couldn’t do that one either.

Then, she said to me, "Finally it dawned on me. How could I have been so stupid? I should have realised, you can't teach an old trick new dogs."

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303600 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I've started jogging again but now I've realised that I've been in pretty bad shape for a long time.

When I ran past the cemetery, two blokes chased after me with shovels.

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303601 by Webguy
Webguy replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A girl and her boyfriend get invited to a fancy dress party, and both of them decide to pick out costumes without telling each other. On the evening of the party, the girl feels Ill and decides not to go to the party, but watched in earnest as her boyfriend dresses up as spiderman, complete with a mask, and leaves for the party.

Later on, the girl feels better and decided to go to the party in the end, with her costume on.When she arrives at the party, she sees her boyfriend in the spiderman costume, dancing and flirting with many girls. Annoyed, she goes up to him to test how far he'll go with his flirting.

As he wouldn't realise who she was in her costume, she flirted with him, and they ended up having sex. She stormed straight home, furious at her cheating boyfriend.

Later, her boyfriend came back to see her lying on the bed, fuming.'And how was your night?' she asked.'well, I didn't really want to go to the party as you didn't go, so I stopped at your dads house. He borrowed my spiderman costume and went to the party and he said he had a great time, even scored!'

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1 month 1 week ago #303608 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I bought the wife a pug dog yesterday. Despite the bulging eyes, squashed face, and rolls of fat....

The dog seems to like her.

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1 month 1 week ago #303610 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
"Hello The Savoy Hotel, reception speaking"
"I'd like to report a wine stain in my room"
"Relax, the police are on their way madam"
"I said wine stain"

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1 month 1 week ago #303611 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Some years ago I caught the train from Malmo to Stockholm and during the journey I went to the buffet for a drink. I was very surprised to see several youths dressed in “Teddy Boy” suits. I got chatting to one of them and he explained that rock and roll was very popular in Sweden. They were all quite pleasant apart form one named Ulf who was extremely rude. At one point Ulf grabbed a beer from the bar and took a mouthful and threw it all over the barman. I said to Olaf, the chap I had spoken to earlier, that this was not a very nice way to behave. He replied,
“Yes, it is terrible, but it is well known throughout the world that…….rude Ulf the Ted loathes train beer....”

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1 month 1 week ago #303612 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
"All we do is argue", my wife said. "We need to work on our marraige, so lets try and speak the same language from now on, eh".

"Moooooooooooo", I replied.

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1 month 1 week ago #303613 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I was walking through a field in Vietnam with my mate when I spotted a silver disc on the ground.
As I bent down down to pick it up, my mate stopped and shouted "Stop! That's a mine!"
I said "Bullshit. Finders keepers! Anyway why you suddenly talking like an Italian?"

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1 month 1 week ago #303615 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A homeless guy is traveling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across
a Pub called the "George and the Dragon."

Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.
The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out of a window.
"Could I have some food?" he asks.
The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"
"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"
"No!" By this time, she was shouting.

The down-and-out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman shouts impatiently.

"Might I please have a word with George?

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1 month 1 week ago #303616 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Accidently said hello to a feminist the other day.

My trial starts on Monday.

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1 month 1 week ago #303617 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
If having sex between three people is called a threesome, and having sex between two people is a twosome, then I know why everyone calls you handsome. :-)

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1 month 1 week ago #303618 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I lost the tie-breaker in a pub quiz tonight.

The question was "In what industry should you never work with animals or children?"

Their answer was "Entertainment"

Mine was "Pornography"

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1 month 4 days ago #303619 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
“I’m great on the piano but I suck on the organ.”

- Elton John.

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